Creating Confidence from Within - It’s not just for other people. How confidence can be yours too

What actually is confidence?

The Dictionary describes confidence as ‘the feeling or belief that one can have faith in or rely on someone or something’. Does that resonate with your understanding of confidence? It might, but it’s just one concept. Confidence is one of those words in our language that we use as a noun, but it is not a fixed thing, like a chair or a car etc.

We talk about having confidence as if it’s a fixed thing, but it’s not. It doesn’t have a fixed meaning either. Confidence may mean something different to you than it does to me. Everyone’s experience of what confidence feels like will vary.

‘The quickest way to develop self-confidence is to do exactly what you are afraid to do’

Humans have a tendency to generalise – the brain is lazy and it likes to group concepts and things together to make it easier to process the mass of stimulus around. It’s easier to navigate the world when we label things and put things in a ‘box’ in our minds. For example, even although there are endless makes and models of cars – we all recognise a car when we see one. There are certain features the brain can quickly recognise and then relate to previous experience of cars. The same goes with the people we meet. We often refer to someone as a confident person as if it is a fixed personality trait they possess. However, confidence can be very much context specific.

That’s the good news. If you have always thought of yourself as ‘just not a confident person’ as if it's a fixed and rigid concept, then understanding this allows you to become more open to another belief. Perhaps you used to be a confident child and then you had a bad experience with a teacher or another kid at school and you learnt that it was safer to stay quiet and not attract attention to yourself. Perhaps you were born into this world confident and free and then you had a parent who undermined you or put you down and you began to believe that you were not good enough to speak up or put yourself ‘out there’.

We all develop coping strategies to get us through life and often they are strategies that are formed as a young child before you had the life experience to know any better. There are many reasons why people lack confidence, but that doesn’t mean it’s not something they can’t reconnect with and nurture.

Someone may be confident in one area of their life and not in another. What this shows is that it is something that is developed and strengthened. I like to think of confidence as something that you exercise and strengthen with every situation you push yourself a little past your comfort zone. It’s like a muscle that you have to train. It’s not necessarily something innate within you and we all have to work at it.

Nobody likes that feeling of putting themselves out there or trying something new. But think of all the things you have done in your life where you developed competency and skill as you practised – this is what grows confidence. For example, learning to drive. Remember how you felt when you first passed your test compared to how you are now.

Confidence is the ‘willingness to try’ according to Mel Robbins. You prove to yourself you are capable by taking the action and then the more action you take, the more confident you become. I encourage you to push yourself out your comfort zone on a regular basis - do the things you think you cannot do. Taking action is one way to rewire the brain to be more confident and naturally exhibit confident behaviours.

You can also rewire your brain by doing a bit of self-examination. What are the blocks that make you feel unworthy, self-conscious or not good enough to just be you? Just as I spoke about earlier – babies exude charming confidence, it’s not until we become more socialised in our environment and become more self-conscious that we lose some of this natural confidence. Whatever experiences you had as a child, teenager and even as an adult, all have a knock-on effect.

‘Confidence is not about wanting people to like you it’s knowing you’ll be fine if they don’t’

Taking action is only one part of the process. If we look at what having confidence feels like then we need to look inwards and uncover our own blocks and limiting beliefs that hinder us. So what does confidence feel like to you? Is it the ability to feel good enough without someone having to tell you? Is it feeling free to be completely yourself? That unapologetic authenticity that we admire in others when we see it? Is it a calm knowing that you are capable and feeling brave enough to take on new challenges?

Think of what you could achieve in your life if you had the confidence to try? What in your life would be very different in a positive way? Maybe you have a feeling of imposter syndrome or that overarching feeling of just not being good enough. When we can recognise our negative beliefs, then we can do something to change them. Remember a belief is just something you believe to be true, and believing it to be true doesn’t necessarily make it so.

If confidence is a knowing within yourself then you no longer need to seek external validation from others. Insecurity is when you need constant reassurance from others. It means depending on them to feel good about yourself – external validation. This isn’t to say that positive feedback from others isn’t important and necessary at times, but when you solely rely upon it for your own self-worth, it leads to problems.

It’s much more empowering to have the courage to be yourself and show your authenticity to the world. Others may or may not like it but at least you are staying true to who you are, and you are also giving others permission to be themselves too. Not only are you empowering yourself, you are empowering others.

What does Confident Body Language look like?

What’s the importance of your body language in developing and portraying confidence? Body language is massively important in all our communication, it can actually be more important than what we say. We can instinctively tell when someone is unsure of themselves and we unconsciously look for the signs that we can trust and believe them.

No matter how knowledgeable a Surgeon is, we would be less likely to trust them if he or she was nervously stuttering or looking down at the floor when speaking to us about the procedure. We are leaking information all the time without even speaking. People are always unconsciously interpreting, whether they realise it or not. We make instant assumptions about someone’s confidence just by the way they enter a room. So what does confidence look like to you? How do you recognise it in someone?

It is near impossible to feel confident in yourself and portray confidence to others when your body language is closed - trying to shrink instead of filling your space. If your head is down, if your arms are folded, if you are hunched over then others will perceive this as unassertiveness. Confidence is perceived in a tall and open stance, owning your space and not being afraid to take up room.

It’s interesting to notice how men are so much better at this than women. One of the most enlightening talks I have watched in relation to women is Amy Cuddy’s TED talk, 'Your Body Language May Shape Who You Are' . She explains why the ‘fake it till you make it’ approach works. You can build confidence just in the way you hold yourself and especially by practising the ‘Power Pose’ before you face a challenging situation.

Keeping your head up, maintaining eye contact, your shoulders back and walking with purpose. These are some things anyone can practice. If you start paying attention to both the circumstances where you feel confident and the circumstances you don’t, you will be able to notice the differences. It is then easier to transfer across the confident body language. This is what is called ‘mapping across’ from one context to another.

‘Confidence is quiet, insecurities are loud’ – the difference between confidence and arrogance

This is something I wrestled with as my own self-confidence began to grow. Where does self-confidence spill over into arrogance? The perceived fine line between confidence and arrogance is felt more acutely by women. Traditionally gender roles in a patriarchal society valued women for being demure, mild and graciously humble.

We may have shaken off many overt patriarchal rules in our society, but there are many more insidious ones that still influence. Assertive, strong women are a threat to the last threads of patriarchy and you only need to look to the media to see how cruelly strong women are treated, especially in Politics. A female politician’s dress sense or appearance is often commented on instead of the actual content of her speech.

However, I would suggest that self-confidence and arrogance stem from different emotional states. An increase in true self confidence cannot develop into the arrogance that woman feel so desperate to avoid. How often have you heard a confident woman being referred to as ‘full of herself’? This is a phrase I have often heard, especially from men and it made me reluctant to display confident behaviour for fear of being judged in the same harsh way. It was as if I was admired more for my shy, unassuming qualities as I posed no threat. Now that I realise the true meaning of what being confident is, it then becomes less important how I am perceived.

If we were to think of confidence as a calm and quiet sense of being capable and having the courage to take action. Then arrogance is that loud pushiness, which stems from a need for others to see your value. This ultimately stems from insecurity and low self-esteem. If someone needs to show you how great they are, then it is because they are seeking that external validation we talked about earlier.

The loudest, bossiest person isn’t necessarily the most confident, it can actually be a clear indicator of someone’s low self-esteem. It helps to keep that in mind next time you face a situation where you find yourself intimidated by others, whether at work or in a social situation.

‘Beauty Begins the Moment You Decide to be Yourself’ Coco Chanel

Confidence is outwardly displayed as a calm and quiet sense of being capable. People will feel comfortable and reassured in your company. If you know your worth internally then there is no need to tell others how good you are. As much as their support and admiration is beneficial, it’s not necessary to validate you. You got that on your own.

So I would urge you to practise pushing yourself constantly outside your comfort zone and take note of the body language that displays confidence to others. Practice adopting the physiology so that it becomes more natural to you. Take a look at the limiting beliefs you hold about yourself and others which hinder your natural confidence. Be prepared to challenge these beliefs and think about what else could be true instead. Ultimately you need to give yourself permission to show up as your authentic self in any given situation. We are all imperfect, flawed and make mistakes. True confidence means being ok with that.